


Rhett and Link in Hansel and Gretel

by orphan_account



Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: Gen, Hansel and Gretel - Freeform, fairy tale, the brother's grimm - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 02:49:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11796867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A retelling of the classic story, this time with our heroes Rhett and Link.





	Rhett and Link in Hansel and Gretel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mythicaliz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythicaliz/gifts).



There was a large forest. In a cottage next to it, there lived a woodcutter, his wife, and their two sons, Rhett and Lincoln. There was little to eat to start, and when famine struck the land, there was nothing.

One night the woodcutter worriedly asked his wife, "How are we to feed ourselves as well as our two children? I don't know what will become of us."

"I have an idea!" Said the wife. She was wicked in her heart and did not love her sons. "Early tomorrow morning I will take our sons into a deep part of the forest. I will make them a fire and give them each a piece of bread, and tell them to work about collecting pine cones. They will spend all day in the woods and be unable to find their way home."

"Nay, I will not do that to our sons." The woodcutter replied. "A wild wolf may tear them to shreds! How could I do that to my own children?"

"You are a fool!" The wife cried out. "We are sure to starve." She refused to let him sleep until he agreed to leave their sons in the woods. Because the children had no food in their bellies, they could not sleep. Rhett and Link heard their mother's evil plot.

Lincoln cried. "It is over for us!" He told Rhett.

"Be quiet Lincoln. I have an idea." Rhett said.

Rhett waited for his parents to fall asleep. Once they had, he stealthily put on a jacket and went outside, and gathered many bright white pebbles, filling his jacket pockets as much as he could. He then crept back inside and waited til morning, and eventually fell asleep, as children do.

Before the sun had risen, the mother came in to wake the children. "Get up, you lazy lot!" She yelled. "We need to go out and gather pine cones. Your father's ax is not sharp enough to cut down a tree and we must find something to burn." She gave each of her sons a piece of bread. "Eat this midday. Don't eat it sooner, for you won't get any more." 

The two sons, their mother, and their father all set off into the woods together. They had not walked far before Rhett looked back to the house. 

"Why are you stopping, son?" The woodcutter asked. "Come along now, and don't forget your legs."

"Father, I am looking back at the cat on the roof. I believe it wishes to say good-bye to me." Rhett said. Rhett was lying however, for he was not looking for the cat but dropping pebbles on the ground for him and his brother.

"You are a foolish boy. There isn't a cat up there, it's simply the sun on the chimney. Now let's go." The mother scolded. And with that they went deeper into the woods, Rhett being more and more cautious about dropping pebbles as he went, for fear of being caught again.

When they were deep in the forest, the father turned to Rhett and said, "Now you children gather some pine cones and I will build you a fire so that you won't freeze." Rhett and Lincoln gathered many pine cones and twigs and piled them up into a little mound. The woodcutter made a fire from them, and Rhett and Lincoln sat down in front of the fire.

 "We are going to go to gather what wood has fallen in the forest. When we are finished, we will come and get you." The mother said. With that she walked off with her husband, leaving her sons in the woods.

Rhett and Lincoln sat in front of the fire and stayed warm. When the sun reached its highest point in the sky, they ate their bread. After sitting there for many hours, the two fell asleep. 

After nightfall the two boys woke up. The moon was full in the sky, lighting up the forest around them. There were however many strange sounds and many creatures wondering about. Lincoln began to cry. "Oh Rhett. How can we get home? We are lost here!"

"Do not worry, Lincoln. I have laid us a path home. We can follow it to safety." Rhett said. He looked out and smiled. "The moon is lighting up our path! Come along!" And with that Rhett led his little brother out of the spooky forest and back to the cottage, making sure to go along quickly so that no animal might come and snatch them up.

They went to the front door of the cottage and knocked. Their mother opened the door and opened her mouth in shock. "You are wicked children! How could you sleep so long in the woods? We thought you did not want to come home!" The father was overjoyed when he saw his sons and hugged them tightly, for he had not wanted to leave them in the woods at all.

Soon after this there was again a great shortage of food everywhere in the land. As history is want to repeat itself, so Rhett and Lincoln again heard their mother say to their father, "We have eaten everything we have. If we continue to look after the children, we are sure to starve. We must take them further into the forest than before, so that there is no chance they may find their way out." Rhett and Lincoln were very afraid when she would not relent and eventually, as before, their father agreed to his wife's idea. When the parents were asleep, Rhett got up to gather pebbles as he had before. However the mother had locked the door, and he could not find a way to get outside. 

Very early the next morning the mother came and awoke her sons. She gave them each a piece of bread, less than she had the last time. She took them out to the woods, this time without her husband, for she thought he would grow sympathetic and not allow her to abandon them.

On the way into the woods Rhett had an idea. He crumbled the break up in his pocket and began to lay it out behind him to serve as a path home. He followed his mother dutifully, and she took both her sons deeper into the woods than they had ever been before. It was dark in the forest, even though the sun was bright, and it was cold, even though it was summer. The woods seemed the snuff out all that was good to be had. Lincoln found himself trying not to cry, for he was afraid of what his mother would do if she saw how terrified he was. There was a howling in the woods, and other sounds that neither Rhett nor Lincoln had heard before.

"I can see that you are afraid, children, but there is no ill will here. I will make you a fire, and you will see that the forest is good and kind." The mother said. The children did as they had before, gathering pine cones and twigs. The mother made a fire out of them. "I am going to go and collect more wood. Stay here. I will come and get you when I have finished." 

Rhett and Lincoln waited. When the sun was the highest in the sky, Lincoln shared his bread with Rhett, for he had scattered his along the path. The children were terribly hungry, but after a time exhaustion took them, and they fell asleep as they had before.

It was dark when Rhett and Lincoln awoke. The moon was full as it had been before. "The moon should light our path of breadcrumbs," Rhett said. He looked all around their fire, but could find no breadcrumbs. Many birds had eaten them up, leaving the two boys with no path to find their way back to the cottage. All night the two boys walked through the woods, trying to not be afraid of the sounds and shadows that passed them by. However they did nothing but get more lost than they were before, coming no closer to their home. Eventually their legs would no longer carry them and the two laid down under the hollow of a tree. "God will protect us." Rhett assured Lincoln, and the two boys fell asleep, for they were both very hungry and very tired. They woke up at midday. 

"If we do not find our home soon, we will perish." Lincoln said to Rhett. Rhett knew it was true and said nothing.

"Look! Maybe that bird can help us." Rhett said, pointing to a small white bird that had appeared. "We should follow it and see where it leads." So the two boys followed the bird into the woods, where they eventually came upon a house. 

"Look Rhett! A house! We can ask for help!" Lincoln said happily. He walked up to it and was very surprised to see that the house was made of sweets and cake. "Rhett look! The house is made of food! We can eat it, and there is enough that we will never starve here."

"Yes, we need a good meal." Rhett agreed. "I will eat a piece from the roof, and you eat a piece from the window." Rhett nibbled at the roof to see how it might taste, and Lincoln nibbled at the window frame.

A gentle voice then called from inside, "Little mouse, little mouse, who is nibbling at my house?"

The children responded, "The wind, the wind, the heavenly child."

Rhett and Lincoln continued to eat, for they were very hungry. But then suddenly the door opened to reveal a woman who was old enough to be dust. She came creeping out, slowly, and leaned on a cane. Rhett and Lincoln were very afraid and stopped eating from the house immediately. 

"Oh my poor children. What brought you here?" The old woman asked. "No harm will come to you in my house. Come inside and stay with me." With that she took Rhett by the hand and led him into her house, and Lincoln followed. Then she made them a meal of pancakes, all they could eat. The two boys ate it heartily, for they had been very hungry and very tired. She then made two beds for them with white linen sheets, and told them to rest. Rhett and Lincoln were very happy and very tired still, and so they did as she said, climbing into the beds without hesitation. However, the old woman was a wicked witch. She had only pretended to be friendly to get a meal. Secretly she celebrated her capture. Witches cannot see far, but they can smell humans, and when she had smelled them she knew that she would have a meal soon. 

Very early the next morning she went into the bedroom and watched the two boys sleeping, observing them greedily. "These two will be delicious," she said to herself. After watching them for many hours, licking her lips and smacking them together, she pulled Rhett up out of his bed and forced him into a little cage. "I am going to fatten you up, my dear, and you will not be able to get away from me." She laughed a wicked laugh and left Rhett there, alone and very much afraid.

Then she went into the bedroom and shook Lincoln's bed. "Get up, you lazy thing! I need you to fetch some water and cook something to feed to your brother, for when he becomes fat I am going to gobble him up." 

Lincoln began to cry, but the old witch only laughed at him. "Up, up, up!" she commanded. Lincoln continued to cry, but he had no power over the witch. He had to do as she said. Every day after that Rhett was given good things to eat, full of fat and sugar. But Lincoln was given only crayfish shells and sent to bed every night very hungry.

Every morning the old witch would go up to the cage and say, "Put out your finger through the bars, so I can see if you have become fat yet."

But Rhett was very clever and stuck out a chicken bone for her to feel. Four weeks went by and the witch was still convinced that Rhett was thin, so she grew impatient. She decided she would no longer wait. "Lincoln!" She said to the other boy. "Fetch some water and prepare it to boil. I do not care if your brother is fat any more. I am going to boil him and eat him tomorrow."

Lincoln sobbed as he was forced to go about carrying the water that his brother was to be boiled in. He felt that there was surely no way to save Rhett from this terrible fate, and he would be next. "Oh dear God, help us." He wept. "I wish a wolf had swallowed us up in the woods. Then we would have at least died together."

"Oh, stop it. You're going to be next so you may as well have died together." The old witch said. And she sent Lincoln to bed without even crayfish shells.

The next morning the witch forced Lincoln awake early so that he could go about making a fire for the water to boil. "First we have some bread to bake, to along with your brother's tasty meat. I have already made a fire in the oven and kneaded the dough." She pushed Lincoln over to the oven, where fire was leaping out. "Climb inside and see if it is hot enough to bake bread."

However Lincoln caught onto the witch's plan. "How can I see inside?" He asked stupidly. "I don't know how, I'm afraid."

"You blithering idiot. I'll show you." The witch said impatiently. People forget that witches need to eat too, and she had not eaten in weeks, for she had been waiting for Rhett to become fat, and so she was very grumpy. "It is a large enough opening for you. Why, I am much larger than you and I can get in!" She leaned forward and climbed into the oven. Lincoln, seeing his opportunity, slammed the door shut. The old woman began to howl and cry as her skin was cooked off and she was roasted alive. Lincoln knew better though than to open the door and let her out, for he knew she would be very angry. He cried, listening to her horrible screams. 

"God, please forgive me. She was a godless witch. Please forgive me." He whispered to himself.

He then ran to Rhett and cried, "Rhett! I have killed the witch and she is gone. We are free! You will not be eaten up!" Lincoln found the key to the cage and set Rhett free. He jumped out happily, for he had not stretched himself out in four weeks and was very sore. The two of them hugged each other tightly and wept with joy, for they could finally leave the witch's house. Then suddenly there appeared in every corner of the house gems and precious stones. 

"These are much better than pebbles or bread crumbs!" Rhett said happily, filling his pockets. 

"Yes, we can bring them home to our father and mother and buy food for them!" Lincoln said gleefully.

"We need to get out of here. We don't know what other evils are in these woods." Rhett said to Lincoln. Lincoln nodded in agreement. They left the house together. After a few hours of walking, the brothers came upon a large lake.

"We cannot cross this on our own." Lincoln said. "But look! There is a swan. Perhaps if we ask it nicely, it will help us across." He called out to the swan, and it came to the shore to greet the children. The two children climbed on the swan's back and it carried them across the lake easily.

When they had crossed the lake, the two boys saw their old cottage up on the hill. They ran up the hill to greet their father.

The father was very sad, for he had not had a good day or night since leaving his sons in the forest. When he saw them at his door, he wept with joy. The old mother had disappeared, and they were welcome in the home once more.

Rhett emptied his pockets and showed the jewels to his father, and the family was never hungry again.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments help me surf the existential crisis caused by the thought that the sun could explode at any moment. Disclaimer, I have never burned pine cones.


End file.
